Will You Forgive Me for Saving You?

by Toree McGowan

I remember the day I first met you. It was a quiet Sunday, early in the morning. I heard a commotion out by the check-in desk, and your mom’s scream: “My baby’s not breathing!” The first time I saw you was in your mom’s arms. Heartbreakingly, you weren’t snuggled like a baby should be, or even limp. Your tiny body was twitching, seizing. The cold clinical term “decorticate posturing” that flashed in the physician part of my brain seemed too rigid to be applied to your chubby toddler arms.

This is a moving medical meditation.  Well worth reading.  NEJM has made it available FREE.

Toree McGowan, MD, FACEP

Comment of Brian Maurer, Pedicatric PA-C: Dr Torree McGowan’s moving piece “Will You Forgive Me For Saving You?” broaches the fine line between beneficence and malfeasance that clinicians who labor on the front lines in medical practice frequently face: when does medical intervention ultimately do more harm than good? As clinicians, we are trained to do everything in our power to save the life of a patient entrusted to our care, knowing full well that in some instances the ultimate outcome may be less than desirable, not only for the patient, but also for those whose lives will be burdened with her care for years to come. The pain that the clinician carries—call it survivor guilt—testifies to the heightened degree of moral distress experienced, distress that many times persists indefinitely. Hemingway once wrote that he “had gotten rid of a lot of things by writing about them.” That might be true for Dr McGowan in this case, though I suspect her clinician wound may prove to be a difficult one to heal.

Comment of Shay Bintliff, retired pediatrician and E.R. doc:
Having spent the first fifteen years of my medical career as a Pediatric Birth Defects specialist, then the next forty years as an Emergency Room specialist, I so identify with Dr. McGowen’s experience with this patient. Telling this very, and yes, sad special story from her heart  she shares her emotions without hesitation. She is able to share with readers the lessons that she will carry forth and pass on to others in her medical practice.  YES, our patients are our best teachers if only our hearts and minds are open to them. Dr. McGowan has learned this early in her career and I am one  of many who appreciate her sharing her story!!