Michael S.
Weinstein, M.D., M.B.E.
N Engl J Med 2018;
378:793-795
This is the narrative of a trauma surgeon who has a history
of major depressive illness. He tells it
as it was; including his psychiatric hospitalization, electroconvulsive therapy,
and recovery. In some ways, this is a
restitution story.
Dr. Weinstein addresses important areas we’d rather not
face.
“We
often make decisions in the face of uncertainty that deeply affect our
patients’ lives. When things went wrong, I frequently blamed myself. I learned
that doubt, ignorance, and lack of confidence were my own failings.”
“Though
I had mental illness, I still saw it as a weakness, a personal fault. I
remember early in my career hearing of a colleague who took a leave of absence
for a “nervous breakdown.” I joked about it, said he was weak. Now it was my
turn.”
“I
wanted out, out of work and out of life. I wished I would get hit by a car, and
sometimes took steps to increase my risk. I felt trapped in my work and worried
that I would expose my shortcomings if I sought a leave or disclosed my
feelings. I’ve subsequently learned that my colleagues were quite concerned
about me but found me unreceptive to attempts to help. I was trying to get help
in many ways, but nothing seemed to work.”
This
is an important topic. We’d rather not
acknowledge it. The best-selling author,
Sherwin Nuland, was a surgeon who similarly was hospitalized for major
depression. He chronicled that in his
autobiography, “Lost in America.”
